Author Topic: Storys from a virtual pub in shetland.  (Read 1326 times)

George

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Re: Stories.. The Shed ..
« Reply #15 on: January 17, 2011, 08:34:46 am »
I'm escaping on da ferry da morrow night .... I'm off tae Paisley Toon ta ma wee lasses hoose fer a month..

 Its a working holiday.. I ran a poll to see whit da punters thought o traveling doon on da bus or tae take da car...the car won.. Cause ma lassie gave me a list o da jobs she wants done. And its as long as a giraffes neck .......

So I need tae take my rip-snorter... and my electric hand saw. three foot crowbar spirit level etc.etc.etc. I think she thinks I'm an octopus, plus my new camera in its brand new super dooper rucksack, and my holdall... crivins... I think she thinks I'm super man ...  O, I forgot my sawn off billard cue just for da muggers.....

 So Alky, dont tell the misfits dat frequent da magnies rest that I'm off..

Aye nay doot .. I think she will be putting me under a lot of pressure to get her new shed built.. and to demolish her other two sheds .. I've no doot the wee grandson will be out helping me...

As for the son in law. don't see how he can help me as he is working ten hour shifts....... never mind. my lass can help me....

Hello Lynne. Whit a day I have had.... I dug out da foundations for da shed .. then karen said it was in the wrong place..  So I dug it oot again .. Noo it just looks like da trenchs at the battle o the Somme. MG was probably there ... So he will know what I'm talking about. .....

I got stuck in the mud and my karen had to dig me out o it ... She then slipped in the mud and fell full face into it .... I had to leave her there about half an hour till I stopped laughing.............. then I woke-up..it wis just a wee dream..

I just popped in for a wee break, it makes you tired watching other people working, I mean of course alky, I conned her into coming down to paisley with me.

 told her its a wee holiday..

 So I have her oot digging the foundations for da big shed I have to put up, and she is up to her neck in the mud, cause its been raining for the last couple o days ...

the kind o weather you wouldna send your dog oot in... talking o dogs. she even complained aboot sleeping in the dogs kennel... even the dog was complaining aboot her sleeping on the dogs blanket

You just can.t please anyone these days...

Alkys up to her neck in it again, she seems to like playing in the mud ... but I think I better stop her from sleeping in the kennel.. the dog seems to have taken a fancy to her now.........

So from tonight,  she can sleep in the old shed it's all she deserves as she isna pulling her weight....

 She has only shifted about two tons o mud from the foundations ...... see these younsters, I don't know where they come from........ Anyway,  I better go back and see how she is getting on..

Thought I would just drop in for a wee drink, get really dry watching folk work..........

Alkys really doing well, I've got her mixing da concrete for da foundations now, but she has a wee bit o bother wheeling it by da barrow load, I could have helped her but I had a prior engagement [ I was away birdwatching ] and today it was pouring cats and dugs but I managed to find her an old torn waterproof jacket, it helped a wee bit, I think she has lost a bit o weight, dont know if its the hard work or maybe not eating her meals, I might have to give her a wee bit extra at her lunch break [ she gets a half-hour break ]

I think da dog feels sorry for her as he keeps giving her his leftovers....... I have da feeling that she is pining to get back to Shetland, but I telt her I've lost her boat ticket ..

So she will be here for another couple o weeks ..... only joking he.he ........... just as well she is a virtual barmaid and not real, or I would be done for cruelty.......

I think I will go birdie watching da morrow... and gae you an update o da shed ..... I want to take a burst o pictures o dat kestral .. My nephew thinks he could use it to make me a new avatar with it... clever wee lad that he is [ he is 48 ] but just a lad in my eyes ... ok. then.. I'm off just noo.. see you all later....
   Hello all .. I have to tell you all that alky has done a runner, she even took the dog with her, but at least she managed to lay the foundations for me......... maybe It's for the best, she was always complaining about me going off birdwatching and leaving her to do all the heavy work....

So I think she might be on da ferry tonight, I think it's to be a force 11 storm da nite, serves her right, it's all she deserves for leaving me in the lurch... Anyway if da rain goes off I might get the joists laid and the floor finished, then I can start to erect da steelwork o the frame o da shed ...

There again, I might go birdie-watching ...  but I canna make my mind up...... think I will go looking for dat kestral and try to get some shots o it wae da camera...

more to come tomorrow, i've an appointment wae a rough legged buzzard on the moors..

george..


George

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Re: Storys from a virtual pub in shetland.
« Reply #16 on: January 18, 2011, 09:18:30 am »
A wee update on the shed..

Alky missed the northern isles ferry.

So she is back fur mair punishment..

Anyway.. I though I would give you all a wee update of the saga o the shed and alky...he.he...

Alky's really doing well with the construction side o things..

 But she has worn out her fourth pair o wellies.. But I think I will have to get her a pair of gloves, as her hands are full o blisters.. but I did take her to the doctor to get them seen to, but the doc. fainted when he saw how ugly she is .... ooops, sorry aboot that slip up.... But she looks ok after a good scrub up with a brillo-pad....and a thick coat o paint ......

I'm really getting worried about da dug, it has started to seronade her ever night ootside her kennel .. oops shed.. she isna very happy with da food that I serve her. I give her good wholesome food every day.. Yesterday she had two slices o plain bread and water, and today I gave her two slices o wholegrain bread and washed down with milk [ it was only off a wee bit ] and me, I just had to make do with a medium rare rib-eye steak mashed tatties, onion rings, carrots basted in butter, and garden peas.

 O well, I better get back to make sure she isnt skiving............

Alkys back in Shetland..

hello all, just popped in for a wee rest, thank god alky's away back tae shetland, it'll save me a fortune in breed, an as far as da dug is concerned, it's barking wis doing my heed in.. he.he.

Well da steel is all erected now, jist tae pit da profile sheets on next ... dont think da neighbour will be very happy wae da size o it .. but it's not my problem, it's my wee lassies ..he.he ..........

So alky, you managed tae get back all right, wonder how you managed to pay your fare, whit wae nae money an awe dat .. Did you stow away on da boat did you.. or did you compromise wan o da crew members........

Anyway its nice to see you back in da magnies rest... my, you hiv fair lost a lot o weight alky, your needing a right good feed by da look o you, you wid think someone wis starving you....

Next time I come, I will bring you a new pair o wellies, the one's you are wearing hiv a big hole in da toes, and I notice your hands are healing up good as well, pity aboot dat dent in your skull, wis dat where da steel joist fell on your head, I warned you to wear a hardhat.......

Right alky, I'm away back doon sooth to get on with da shed... and tell all da punters I wis asking for them.... and watch oot for that MG, I think he fancys you, I hear that he has to go to da opticians quite urgently.. then he will see you, as we see you.. god whit a sight...... Whit dae you mean, get oot, did I say something to offend you..

A few pics o whit i've been doing..



Just ta do the gable end..



The path..



Nearly finished.



Thats better looking.



The end o the Saga o the Shed..

Just a quickie..

Quick alky, give me a double whisky.. i'm a bit traumatized.. I wis oot shopping an went into primark and got myself a hoodie top, so that I could mingle in with da low life doon here. The next day I wis up da toon and got mugged wae one o dem.

guess whit he stole ......... he nicked my new hoodie.....


george..



« Last Edit: January 18, 2011, 10:02:40 am by George »

George

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Re: Stories. A wee misunderstanding.
« Reply #17 on: January 20, 2011, 08:32:57 am »
Just popped in ta hae a wee word wae that big ruskee ..... Hello Vlad op's sorry it's Igor is it .. my my my.. MG was right you are a really big flatfooted ugly big git, and he was right aboot your skin peeling as well.. and as for your dress sense, well your wellie-boots dont really go wa that mini-skirt ..........

whit are you doing put me doon ya big ape, your choking me, MG, I thought you said he did'na understand english ....

Later..

Hello Igor.. I just want to apologise to your good self... I thought it was a bit o fun, then I forgot dat you ruskees aint got any kind o sense o humour.. So I thought it my duty to offer you a wee drink, have a wee glass o creme de meths and I will ha a wee gless o watter... [ that meth's should make it a bit interesting ] aye igor here's to your ald mate stalin....

Lynne.

Hello George. Sounds like you had a terrible journey. Hmm - your experience of eating at that place sounds similar to mine. Dirty knives and forks was my experience and I've never been back since.

Anyway, now you're back, I think you should get this pub back in line. The things that have been going on since you've been away!!!!  It's been terrible. The Alkies are out of control, Mgs not been far behind. Then we've had these very strange folk in here too.

My sister has joined too - Bod. She poked her head round the door and I'm sure she'll be in again soon. She tries to talk with a Yorkshire accent sometimes, but she is not from Yorkshire at all!!! Watch her though, cos she'll probably be after your money. Apart from that she's a bit like me!!!!

Bod.

Ere George worra pleshure t ear from yer at last, av erd a lorrabowt yer, am gerrin t nur me way round this pless.

Sorry yer trip wer fulla snorrin, my usband snores and I get WELL annoyed so I pinch is nose and is lips, e goes a right funny colour.

Get yersen a drink, av put sum money beyind bar, you gerrup cos av bin at wuck all day so am WELL tired.

Me. Wa a sair heed.

O ma heed, it's fair throbbin wa aw da drum dat MG wis bashin.... a did notice last night dat Bod got aff wa dat Igor, think they were in da peat shed, just wait till her sister Benji finds oot, but she'll no find oot frae me, ma lips are sealed.........

It wis a good idea tae invite da local constabulary, as efter a bit o pestering fra mally they eventualy gave in and gave him a lift home......... I think dat I maybe hud a wee bit to much o da drink, cause I think I wis chatting up alky een her twin alkopop.... god I feel really rough.....

george.


   

George

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Re: Stories.. taking advantage o geordie.
« Reply #18 on: January 23, 2011, 07:06:59 am »
George,
I hope you are going to leave a bottle of red wine paid for behind the bar (aka 'in the wood').
I'll remind Alky and her twin aboot ye while yer stoatin aboot Paisley.
And have the polis been advised of your imminent arrival?
   
hello mg..I could only get an old bottle o VP I found it in da attic, I brought it up here 30 years ago, there is only a wee drap oot o it.. but it might be ok ta drink, try it oot on fifi first, I think she likes a wee drink, if she dusna throw up after 15 minutes then it should be ok ta drink............ tell da twins to get thereself ower to the plastic surgeon and get aw they defects sorted oot before I came back, I'm fair scunnered looking at dem....
see you later I m off to load up the car.....

Oh dear, the pub is so quiet today. What's missing??? Ah, no George that's what's missing. He did say he'd leave money in the green pig for us all to have a couple of drinks on him. Hmm - 50p that won't get us very far. Ah well, put it on his slate Alky there's nothing on it at the moment and I could do with a wee cider. OK, that's 2.00 he owes you so far. He'll be only too willing to pay when he comes back.  A more generous man you could never wish to meet.......now who's next for a drink on George?

Oh dear, the pub is so quiet today.  What's missing??? Ah, no George that's what's missing. He did say he'd leave money in the green pig for us all to have a couple of drinks on him. Hmm - 50p that won't get us very far. Ah well, put it on his slate Alky there's nothing on it at the moment and I could do with a wee cider. OK, that's 2.00 he owes you so far. He'll be only too willing to pay when he comes back.  A more generous man you could never wish to meet.......now who's next for a drink on George?

Another bottle of your best red wine please Alky. 1928 Chateau Ecosse? That'll do nicely. Cheers I'll have it as a carry-oot! 40 you say, yes put it on George's slate will you!

That's 47.00 so far.

Oops I've just spotted that George is on line. I thought he'd gone to Paisley toon building sheds and things!!!!

I'm going to hide behind the bar before he spots me!

I'll have another cider and put it on your slate thanks and I'll have scampi and chips followed by hot chocolate fudge cake with ice cream please Alky. I've no kitchen until Friday, you see. Yes, no problem put it on George's slate again - he's not noticed yet. No, he's too busy having dreams about building sheds or something.............................

The bill? 20 no probs. That's 67 George owes you. He'll be back next month to settle up with you.

Any one else for a free dram??

George......I think you'll need to do a few peerie jobs for cash while you're away, otherwise these gluttonous alkies will have you bankrupt by the time you return..

Morning all,
I thought I'd come in da Rest for a full Scottish breakfast wi all da trimmings:
Ayrshire bacon
Steak Slice
White & black pudding
Cloete dumpling
Sliced haggis
Eggs
Griddle cakes
Tomato
Mushrooms
Fried potato

c/w Morning rolls and coffee.

Please put it on Georges slate, he left firm instructions that I had to keep my strength up for the Alky twins.

Yes, I'm sure that he can forget his cholesterol until tomorrow!

Now that's a full Scottish breakfast at - how much Alky?

10 - that's OK!

77 on George's slate!

It'll be more than a few jobs he'll need to do to settle this bill!!!

Just dropped in for a quick stiffener. I'm of oot for an Indian curry tonight. I will not return later as my garlicky breath will probably kill vampires at twenty paces.
As an afterthought make that malt a large one as it's going on Geo's tab.

Hope you choke on it. efter running up my bar tab, its a disgrace taking advantage o an auld codger like me... ???... thats nearly a weeks pension up in smoke.. you should all hing your heeds in shame..... .......................... Hi. Alky, wid you like ta hae a wee holiday in Paisley toon wae me..... it will only cost you 77 the same as my bar tab.....

Hope  you all enjoyed da banter till da next time..

george [aka] geordie..
   
   

George

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Re: Stories. coming home..
« Reply #19 on: January 28, 2011, 07:29:42 am »
Hi.benji... it was a bit o an ordeal the m8 from glasgow airport to da kingston bridge in the city centre, It was at a standstill, it took ages to clear out o glasgow.. then Dundee was nearly as bad, I left my daughters bit at 1230 and arrived at aberdeen the back o 5pm.... I did stop for a meal in da little chef in Dundee.
I was a bit rude to the manager, 8.99 for a mixed grill, which i dont mind paying [ if it's nice ] but this one was terrible, then a black hair in my glass o orange..... I have silver hair...sorry if i'm putting you off anything ...  anyway can I get you a wee drink benji..i'm feeling a bit dry myself...then i'm going to have a laugh later on wae dat big ruskee....

Whit a night on da ferry..

Hello all, i'm back ....... whit a night I had. I had to share a cabin wae another guy een he snored aw night.. I gave in at 4 in da morning and wandered aboot da boat, da security man wis following me aw ower da place, I wis begining to think he fancied me, so I went ta hide in da lifeboat, only to discover it was full o ruskees, they said dat they were emigrating ta Shetland as a mate o theirs telt dem it wis great [ even had a free pub up in northmavine ] their mate wis called igor [ does dat ring a bell wa you  Alky........................

It wiz jist an misunderstanding..

Just popped in ta hae a wee word wa dat ruskee ..... Hello Vlad ops, sorry its Igor is it .. my my my.. MG was right, you are a really big flatfooted ugly big git, and he was right aboot your skin peeling as well..  een as for your dress sense, well your wellie-boots don't really go wa dat mini-skirt .........

Whit are you doing, put me doon ya big ape, your choking me, MG.. I thought you said he did'na understand english..

The apologise..

Hello Igor.. just want to apologise to your good self... I thought it was a bit o fun..

 Then I forgot dat you ruskees aint got any kind o sense o humour.. so I thought it my duty to offer you a wee drink.. have a wee glass o creme de meths, een I will hae a wee glass o watter... [ that meths should make it a bit interesting ] aye Igor, heres to your auld mate stalin....

Hello George. Sounds like you had a terrible journey.... Hmm - your experience of eating at that place sounds similar to mine. Dirty knives and forks was my experience and I've never been back since.

Anyway, now your back, I think you should get this pub back in line. The things that have been going on since you've been away!!!!  It's been terrible. The Alkies are out of control, mg's not been far behind. Then we've had these very strange folk in here too.

My sister has joined too - bod. She poked her head round the door and I'm sure she'll be in again soon. She tries to talk with a Yorkshire accent sometimes but she's not from Yorkshire at all!!! Watch her though, cos she'll probably be after your money.  Apart from that she's a bit like me!!!!

Bod..

Ere George, worra pleshure t ear from yer at last, av erd a lorrabowt yer, am gerrin t nur me way round this pless.

Sorry yer trip wer fulla snorrin, my usband snores and I get WELL annoyed so I pinch is nose and is lips, e goes a right funny colour.

Get yersen a drink, av put sum money beyind bar, you gerrup cos av bin at wuck all day so am WELL tired.
   
Hello Bod.. If I pinched his nose he would probably have decked me, as he was a stranger.. he.he. ...  Anyway I was telt by Benji tae watch oot for you as you might be efter my money.. lots o dem forumites think i'm a miserable auld git... but your got to be a bit mean tae save up oot aw your pension .. I'm off da noo tae count ma money noo.. I do it every night... den in da morning as well.. it makes my day... he.he.

More ta come another time..

geordie..
   
   

George

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Re: Stories.. more banter fra the pub..
« Reply #20 on: February 01, 2011, 02:08:32 pm »
Well you all!!!!!  While mg and I have been slavin' away getting a birthday tea ready, writing out all the invites etc. etc. george has been casting doubts on our invite list. Shame on you george! You should know that you were at the bottom ops. top of the list, cos you promised to bring the floor show which worries me a bit ...

I've been to great expense - I say great expense - to get a harpist up to Shetland this weekend to play but he's a bit late because he said he was on the ferry and had to share with some geezer who kept threatening him in the night because he was a-snoring!!!! I wonder who that could be????

I've bought in a case of drinks....

I've left the TURKEY behind!!!!!!!

Ah well. Egg butties made by the Alkies with their purple varnished finger nails and boil in the bag stovies will have to do tonight then george........

Igor. He's putting summat in the watter!! I mean he's still perched up on the light. Or......has George brought back something sinister from Paisley? We did say da shed was like the 'Tardis'. Maybe bod is his glam assistant (she does seem to know a lot about a lot).

Ere right, werris everyone. Av gonnan got mesen all dun up and cumin ere t get blathered and there aynt nur one ere. Wes grub and wes all this booze yuv promised. Av gonnun brought some fine Country Manor fizzy wine, yer nur the one thats bin doin rounds furra long time. Av put me best strappy top on so I ope I durnt get nithered letter.

Let the party begin, well it would if there was anyone here, stop planning your holiday benjiesmum and gerrondown ere.

Ooh, can people please type quietly. I've got a virtual hangover after dancing all night and having the odd tipple. <or was it topple?> I was wearing me little glittery number - you know, the lurex mini skirt and the sequinned boob tube - and me strappy sandals. Bod 'n' me 'n' benji and all the girls, well, we never sat down, dancin' round our handbags until dawn.. Mhay turned up through the night as she'd started to get over her cold and George told her a wee snifter would sort her out. So he took off his socks and waved them under her nose..

MG's a bit of an animal on those drums, isn't he??!!  And Davids a whizz on keyboards. Didn't realise George was such a good crooner. And those dark good looks  Alky and her twin were droolin'.. Or maybe that was because they'd laughed so much their false teeth shot across the room and flew out the door. Talking of flying, Cap'n Allen was going to fly Fred Asparagus in to Eshaness International Airport but unfortunately he'd misjudged the weather and they had to divert to Reykjavik.

The guys had a great time too. That Mal is some mover and was never off the dancefloor - move over John Travolta - and Pat and mrgluss were excellent as the go-go dancers on top of the tables.  Specialk and heimdal did a good job of serving everyone. Thought heimdal looked very fetching <and carrying> in his frilly pinny. Great that everyone was there, too many to mention, so crammed in it reminded us of the old days in the Booth. And when the boys threw the birthday girls up in the air and they got stuck on the ceiling, tangled in the lights, and then the Northmavine fire boys and coastguard had to come and rescue them.. Whit a night...

Hi George,
Your head still throbbin' ? Thought so.
Here you are, this'll clear your heid........

o ma heid, it's fair throbbin wa aw da drums dat MG wis bashin.... a did notice last night dat bod got aff wae dat igor, think they were in da peat shed, just wait till her sister benji finds oot, but she'll no find oot frae me my lips are sealed......... it's wis a good idea tae invite da local constabulary as efter a bit o pestering frae mally they eventualy gave in and gave him a lift home......... I think dat I maybe hud a wee bit to much o da drink, cause I think I wis chatting up alky een her twin alkopop....god I feel really rough...

Ere right George worrayer on abowt me goin in tut peat shed wi that Igor, thought yud grass me up did yer. Its true enough Igor tried t cop off wi me and told me t get mesen down tut shed but when a got there e were already givin benj a birthday kiss, well I just legged it back in tut pub. I'll deck me sister wenna catch up wiyer.
You ask Fiona, shis me alibi cos we wos dancing all night like she said, round us andbags, her wi lurex skirt and boob tube and me wi me leather cat suit, them blurks thought we wos well fit.

Ere MG av told yer before that picture were teken in me rebel days, am well refined now, gorra looella bag from armani other day so am dead classy now. Your istory when a see you fur showing that, will afta dig one of your olduns owt, now that will mekem laff
Benjiesmums very qwiert, wer are u sister..

I just came in to do a bit of housekeeping. Whit a stoor. Da whole place is mockit.
Thank God benjie's birthday only comes once a year.

Scrivvens whits this....looks like a pile o' manged cats....why it's Igor sookin oot o' his bottle,
If we don't start behavin' in here the Mods. will chuck us oot. Hang on a minute, that Fifi wis makin' a reet exhibition o' hersel wi bod on Sunday night. What went on in da peat shed, Big 'G' only knows !!!!

hello all, i'm a bit miffed wa dat queenie o oor's, I went tae great expence een bought an alder tree fur ma garden, aw da wie frae paisley toon, so I gave ma auld mate prince harry a wee phone een telt him i wanted his grannie da old queenie tae come up fur da planting ceremony, even telt him dat i could even pit her up in da spare bedroom [ fur a small fee ] he telt me dat da queenie said dat a wis only an auld commoner een she wisna interested..the bl*****g cheeky wummin dat she is, een me paying aw da taxes aw they years. a wis fair disappointed in her......................................prince philip said he wid come if i gave him an intro ta alky as he liked dem a bit rough.. but i telt him dat a really didna like da greeks so dat ruled him oot.......

You wis a bit hasty on yer ceremony................... benjies uncle knows Phil da Greek ! Was in da forces wi im. He might hae put a word in wi Queenie for ye.

ahah.. MG if only I had thought o you I micht o realized dat you were da man ta get it oganized as you seem to be well connected. wa bits o wire nay doot....... anyway it's to late, as i'm gaun ta get myself doon ta buckingham palace ta dae a bit o protesting aboot da auld queenie refering ta me as jist an auld commoner...... it fair hurt my feelings efter me fighting fur da king een country back in da dim past... ah wis very nearly killed in da suez campaign ......................... when i fell in da canal ... but i managed ta get oot o it when one o da boys shouted dat wan o dem big nile crocs wis coming ta get me..............
   
Which yin wis it George? We'll get him at playtime.............

da big fat wan on da right hand side wae da wellie-boot hinging oot his jaw's.....................................i'm gonna gie him whit fir...

Yikes! Ye see what happens when two men star bletherin' together! George, the only connection mg has with royalty is when a corgi bit his ankle once.

My uncle * "practice bombed" a boat that Phil the Geek was in off Malta many years ago and then went for a drink with him later on.....Royal connections ...

* but he did teach Adam Faith to fly a helicopter!! Just thought I'd throw that one in.

I bet your uncle had to pay for da drinks... I dont think dat da royals carry any money wa dem....

Neither does my uncle!!!!!

Thanks for reading this wee story..

george..
   

George

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hello Alky, how are you this fine day......oh your a a wee bit nackered are you,, been in da peat shed wae mg......again......gis a pint o your best or i'll tell benji and you know whit a temper she his..she is liable ta gie you a skelp ower da heed....... a see david is up ta his tricks again... he knows i'm feart o COO'S een he pit his flock... or is it herd... in da field ootside da magnies thinking it wid keep me oot o here.... but he forgot It's a virtual pub een I just clicked da moose een it takes me right in da door...

 Mornin George

Just tocht I would have a virtual dander ower to da Magnies... Oh no, whits that I've stood in... arghhh blasted coos!!!

I reckon we could hiv them as steak for the pub denners though. Champion..

good morning to you Pat....

it's a really nice day init.. Pat could I give you a wee bit o advice... thought dat bikini your wearing on dis fine day... it really doe's set oot your profile.......... but it's spoilt wae da yellow wellies your wearing at da bottom bit [ your feet ] noo wis dat no a bit tactful georgie boy ..................... aye Pat, I think your ald mates benji and bod are likely aff tae da RSPB .............................. Scaring a da birds nay doot..............

George, you cheer me up no end, Set off my profile - yup, an he's a beauty noo adays virtual or otherwise..

Wrong G!!!!! I've been busy cleaning the back ends of my tups today!!!! They are having their hair cut on Saturday ready for the showing season so they'll not recognise each other after that, and there will be all hell breaking lose in the shed on Saturday night. So, I've cut their fringes off today so they can see each other before the rest of the wool comes off and maybe they'll stay friends. Bod'll be "wurkin" to keep those twa lads of hers full of food. They're growin' boys!!!!

Ere George worrayer on abowt, there's nowt wrong wi me car, av never needed breckdown cover.
Av bin lerrowta wuck early cos I were meckin a nuisance of mesen and frightenin customers, am goin out wi sum muckers furra drink and a birra food, theres a pub quiz on an all so I wont get blathered cos were gonna win, right.
I arnt bin tut RSPB me sister lives too far away, neer mind us frightening birds worra bowt you wit false teeth then, gerrum super glued thell be reet, durnt purrum back in yer gob till thiv dried else yer gums will get glued an all and yer wurnt be able t cum in ere furra drink or t ave a friendly chat. Ere right tharra be peaceful.

Hope yer wash yer ands before yer gunna meck dinner.!!!! sister..

Watch and learn bod!!!!!!

Well, everybody seems to have gone away to their beds early tonight. Just caught up with allen on "Link the Photo" but he never seems to get into the pub. Can't says as I blame him with all the rowdiness that seems to erupt when certain folk arrive.

Bod's gone out for the night with her mates so there's just me and dog here tonight. I've got a good bottle of Normandy cider that someone at school bought me back from France in exchange for me letting one of my staff go off with all the little darlings on their annual assault on the French. It's quite nice too and I'd share it but there isn't anyone to share it with.

Now George if your teeth start giving you any pain over the Easter weekend Alkys cousin has come up specially from the infirmary to give you a wee jag!!!!! She's here all over the Easter break and will be keeping a watchful eye on you.

Come on now George open wide for nice Nurse!!! George........George..........come back George.........

hello alky, see the pubs empty again... I held an EAGM with myself een took a vote the eyes won it the voting wis eyes 1 nays 0... so alcopop een igor are sacked as o noo..... wee canna employ da bar staff een no hiv any customers, can we... they kin sleep in da peat shed until they get themself sorted oot wa another job, we will give dem a week then there oot in the cauld... ...cheer up alky nay need ta greet. your still got your job... provided dat you do certain favours fur me.. ie .. keep da fire topped up, een gie da place a lick o paint, een smarten yourself up, and last.. greet da punters wa a nice smile.. but keep yer lips shut, we dont want tae frighten any more away with half yer teeth missing.......
   
Ere George mind if I pull up a chair, worraya on abowt calling other people wiyowt teeth, it weren't that long ago that yours were brurk. Yuv gorram back now av yer. Nowt wus than suckin on yer food. That reminds me did you ear about the tramp that went in tut pub and ask furra cocktail stick, Barman asked what fur, tramp said "cos someones bin sick outside and I want t eat the bits" A second tramp kem in and sed "canna av a straw", Barman asked wot fur. Tramp sed "cos someones bin sick outside and me mates ad all the bits"

Ere George mind if I pull up a chair, worraya on abowt calling other people wiyowt teeth, it weren't that long ago that yours were brurk. Yuv gorram back now av yer. Nowt wus than suckin on yer food. That reminds me did you ear about the tramp that went in tut pub and ask furra cocktail stick, Barman asked what fur, tramp said "cos someones bin sick outside and I want t eat the bits" A second tramp kem in and sed "canna av a straw", Barman asked wot fur. Tramp sed "cos someones bin sick outside and me mates ad all the bits"

your well sick sick sick sick....tut.tut.tut...een here was I in da middle o my dinner as well...shame on you bod he.he. 

Worraya ad furt dinner then George, neeps and tatties. Me ant ubby is goin furra Chinese letter, am well ungry cos ees watchin football fust before we gur so av gorra wet till 7. Me stomach thinks me throats cut. Berral be driving cos eel wanna drink sur I'll afta av a curk or summat.    

George I think people should be more sensitive at tea time.

She's a case my sister. She should still be out "wurkin" not pubbing it, what with two lads waiting at home with their little mouths open waiting for their tea shame on her!!!!

A Yorkshire joke from Sandra [aka Bod]

A couple are playing 'I spy' in the kitchen of their home somewhere in Yorkshire.
'I spy with my little eye something beginning with T' said the husband.
"Tea pot said the wife." 'Nay Lass!'
"Tea towel." 'Nay Lass!'
"Toaster." 'Nay Lass!' he said, drumming his fingers on the work top.
"Oh I don't know" she said at long last "I give in"
'It's easy' he said. 'It's t'oven!'

Hello George,
Have just been on your website, very impressed, some lovely pictures. Theres a picture of a very handsome man with all his teeth in, any idea who it is then. Sorry the weather isn't good up there today, been glorious here in sunny York got loads done in da peerie garden, looks reet neat and tidy now. Loads of lady cows abowt.

Bod I've lost ma teeth again, help..



Hope you enjoyed the banter, and no doubt you will have bother understanding Bods yorkshire lingo.. but its all fun..

george..


   



   
   
   

George

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Re: Stories.. Da magnie gets a few surprizes..
« Reply #22 on: February 04, 2011, 08:27:33 am »
Hello. Alky, sorry i've not been in for a few days, i'm afraid I was a wee bit low in spirits the last couple o days, never mind I thought I would call in and see you ... you always make me smile, and today you look really pretty, I take it you took my advice and went back to the plastic surgeon ...... he's done a wonderful job with your face, all your bits seem to be in the right place this time ................. Or are you wearing a mask ... he.he.he...... oh dinna start the watter works again, you know it disna work with me..

 Alky...I think you should keep the mask on it might help to entice da customer's back in da door.. you know of course that there is only aboot four or five regulars come in here, yet the pub's had ower 4.674 visiter's it's truly amazing init.........................cheer's

 Aye this is da stuff tae gie em.
It may be a virtual reality pub, but there's nae reality in here. Just honest to goodness madness and mayhem.

It's a bit early in the morning to have a cider so I'll have a coffee and a piece of cake if Alky will be so kind as to put the pot on. Those fingernails are revolting Alky - bright orange ones this week. Yuk!

I've got a bit to do today - boring things like washing and cleaning my car ready for going back to work on Monday.

Bod's gone missing too. She's had nothing to say for a few days. I expect those twa laddies of hers are keeping her busy "wurkin" again.

I see you've been to Canada too George. I've been once to Ontario too in 1975. It was, as you say a lovely country. So very clean. I went to an old fashioned pioneer village that was brilliant and then up into the wilds. It is such an enormous country. I also went to Niagara and went under the falls. Did you??

We were going to emigrate there in the 60s. We'd got clearance from Canada House and everything and as a child, I remember being so excited. But it wasn't to be. My mum's parents kicked up a fuss. So that was the end of that.

Hello Alky we hiv had a complaint aboot your fingernails ... they frightened wan o da customers, so smarten yourself up a bit or your oot o here pronto......... dont start greeting again I wis only joking .................................... Benji, to answer your questions.. yes we were staying in the travel-lodge in Niagara .. but we didna go on the maid o the mist, and I got stung wae a wasp walking back tae the hotel, everyone thought it was quite funny except me ..... we then stayed in Kingston, then back to Niagara and crossed the bridge to the states.

going in the duty free shop was quite hilarious, my sister in law was black affronted with what we bought .. he.he.he....we did cross the river on the chair lift thing.. it was fun..

Hello Alky we hiv had a complaint aboot your fingernail's... they frightened wan o da customers, so smarten yourself up a bit or your oot o here pronto.........dont start greeting again I wis only joking....................................Benji, to answer your question's yes we were staying in the travel-lodge in Niagara..but we didna go on the maid o the mist, and I got stung wae a wasp walking back tae the hotel, everyone thought it was quite funny except me.....we then stayed in Kingston then back to Niagara and crossed the bridge to the states. going in the duty free shop was quite hilarious, my sister in law was black affronted with what we bought..he.he.he....we did cross the river on the chair lift thing..it was fun..Hello Alky we hiv had a complaint aboot your fingernail's... they frightened wan o da customers, so smarten yourself up a bit or your oot o here pronto.........dont start greeting again I wis only joking....................................Benji, to answer your question's yes we were staying in the travel-lodge in Niagara..but we didna go on the maid o the mist, and I got stung wae a wasp walking back tae the hotel, everyone thought it was quite funny except me.....we then stayed in Kingston then back to Niagara and crossed the bridge to the states. going in the duty free shop was quite hilarious, my sister in law was black affronted with what we bought..he.he.he....we did cross the river on the chair lift thing..it was fun..
   
Hello MG..
If I'm not mistaken I could swear that it's Alkys love child ....................................... her oldest one, she has a few o them in the basement with her auld mother, that one must have escaped ........ you could have waited till after nine to show it, cause at this time o day the bairns are aboot, and you dont want to be held responible if they hae nightmares........and pee da bed..etc.etc.....

Well hello George just popped in for a bit of a breather after swallow watching in the field.

Wots going on here then.  Nail varnish bottles all over the floor... cotton wool ... nail polish remover in a puddle next to the fire... there'll be an explosion in here if you're not careful. No Alky you can't put black nail varnish on tonight you'll frighten the customers away. Where are the nails on your right hand gone.... they fell off!!!!  They were false ones!!!!! Yikes!!! Well where did they go???? In the stovies ... you dropped them in the stovies ... not all of them ... some went in the neeps and tatties ......

 oh no!!!!! And you served it to that coach load that's just left for the ferry ...... but gave some to George too because he wanted to take some home...... oh dear oh dear....we'd better get your cousin nurse to deal with him then...

If you fancy a wee cup of what you like, then try out the virtual coffee machine..



1. Click on  the link.. Wait for minute for the coffee machine to load!
2. Put the coin in the vending machine.
3. Choose your drink.
4. Click on the cup when its ready.
5 Click on open.
Enjoy..
Don't forget to click on "open !!!
http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?immagine=scherzi_150404_01.swf

Well I tried it even though I hate the stuff, so wots that there munkeee sayin at th'end. Carnt yer find one that as got summat a bit more potent, mebe you could purrit int Da Magnies and we could have 24 hour drinkin, we wouldn,t afta purrup wi Alky then.

Er, can you lend us a coin George, I came out without my purse.....

Theres a munkkeee in the machine. I think it must have escaped from specialk, I think she should be told.

Seeing what I have seen, I'll stick to WATER OUT OF THE TAP!!!!!

Hello all..
God's sake it's foo o tourists da night.. canadians, welsh, ruskees, even some english folk [ even some twitcher's ] ....

I see that Alky's recovered frae her wee trip up tae north roe wae me... I felt a wee bit sorry for her when I kiddied her on dat I hud run oot o petrol ..and telt her tae get oot and shove da car fur aboot a quarter o a mile .... well you have to ecconomise some way, when petrol is 1.45 a litre ........

and Bod see dat wifie in da corner smoking a pipe, well that's Mavis, think her last name is Grind... he.he.he..... I see that Benji his let MG oot for a wee bevvy.. Big mistake Benji, cause I saw him stagger inta da peat shed wae a bottle o whiskey followed by CC your cousin ...... oh dont you worry aboot him, he's past it anyway, but CC I think she's gonna get arty-crafty wae him ......... anyway, I'm off home tae get myself my wee cup o hot chocolate .. If you can believe me...
   
 I'd avoid the hot choc. george. The munkee is still in the machine!!!!! Have a couple of real drinks instead! Down the hatch!

Helloooo Alky..
That soup you gave me the other day wis absolutely revolting, when I got to the bottom o the bowl whit did I find................................. fingernails... your've been cutting your nails again haven't you ...........well a doot you'll be going on a wee hygiene course ASAP ........... and whit did we tell you aboot wearing some nice cloths eh ......... so get they dungarees off and get into something a bit more..sexy.. like a smart wee mini-skirt ta entice da punters back ............ on second thoughts I suppose it widna matter whit you wore, cause it wid take a miracle ta improve your looks..... greeting again ..... tell you whit, let's play a wee trick on the punters tonight, you hiv the night off and get your mum to stand in fur you ........... that would scare da living daylights oot o them .... but mind and keep the chain on her in case she escapes .... we dont want to start a panic do we..

Wots happened here today then, george, and where are all the punters?

Came in for a wee drink before I hit my pit, and the place is deserted. Ouch! Just tripped over something whats this???
Chains ..... attached to the bar. But they've been gnawed right through by the looks of it .... great big teeth marks everywhere!!!!!!!

 Yikes there's a trail of nastee looking green stuff leading to the cellar door. Better creep up...slowly

Yikes! Aaahhhhh!!! Who are you then..... Mavis? M.M.M.aavis who. Grind? Oh that's the noise your teeth make when yer biting through chains ......Yikes!!!!!!! George ..... where are you????? Alky? Are you down there in the cellar??????

You don't have to be mad in here... but it sure helps!!

Ere yer all barkin, does that there MG ave nowt berra t do that play ont furtobucket

Benj - you're just bossy, I'm sad because you med me kill me slug

Help me George help me.

Hope you all enjoyed reading this, its a wee bit mad, but Its men't to entertain..

george..