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Storys from a virtual pub in shetland.

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George:
Some storys I told in a virtual pub on the Shetland Islands..


Right Im ready to start...I'm off to the Magnies rest ... got to tell them a wee story that happens to be true........hello all.......what the hell are you all wearing hardhats and gumshields for.. is Alky and her sister been at the triples again?.... barmaid could I have a pint o watter before I start....thanks....Right.. this happened to me back in the sixties, but it is still very vivid in my mind..my late wife Jean was always getting on to me for scaring our children with these stories... So I will start..it was in August when I knew the Salmon were in the upper reaches of the river Ayr and the river Luger...so I set out in my car and headed for Mauchline, passing through Moscow and Hurlford on the way there... I arrived outside the village, and parked the car at a place called the Haugh, then set up my fishing gear, I walked downstream to a place called the meeting o the watters.. where the Luger meets the Ayr.. I decided to fish the Luger first..so went upstream about a quarter o a mile and started to fish.. It was not to long when I was into a Salmon, a nice fish of seven pounds.. So I took it back to the car and then decided to fish upstream on the River Ayr.. I was fishing a long pool. when I noticed someone else was fishing on the opposite bank to me... it was a Mink, its colour was unusual as it seemed to be blue fur...anyway it was a far better angler than me, as evertime it slipped into the pool, it would come up with a Salmon Parr, then disappear into a gully, where I presumed it had young to feed.. So I decided to move on to the next pool, as I thought it had probably scared off the Salmon in that pool...... so I moved upstream to the pool above, and started to fish again... It was a very pleasant day for fishing.. the birds were singing.. the water was gurgling down over some rapids, sheer paradise to someone like me, who loves the country........... I first became aware that something strange was about to happen at this place, I had a very uneasy feeling that all was not right....... The first thing I noticed.. was the birds had gone quiet, then I realised that the water was not gurgling either...... I sensed the hairs on the back of my neck rising, and a tingling on my neck ......... something wasnt right......... even the tree branches seemed to have stopped swaying in the breeze.................. Then I slowly raised my eyes and looked over the river to the bushes.......... I was being watched I thought......then a man in black materialised right across the river from me...He did not speak or move..just stared at me, for what seemed like an age...then he started to fade away in front of my eyes........................This story.. IS TRUE AS I DESCRIBED IT............................right.. Why are you all holding hands..and you John .. what are you doing sitting on the barmaids lap..

More to come.. hope you enjoyed it..

george..

George:
This one is from Benjismum.. in response to mine..

You'll have to buy everyone doubles, George, to calm them down.  I like a good ghost story - especially when they're true!! And that's a good 'un!!

I've got a few "little" stories but nothing I've experienced myself - except a flying glass once. But, my friend over the road told me of her experience in her garden. Now, if you knew my friend, you would know that she is very matter-of-fact, no nonsense, isn't sentimental doesn't believe in ghosts, horoscopes, fairies, Father Christmas or any such things......

She and her husband had built a new house behind the old stone farmhouse which they had been required to demolish. Where the stone farmhouse had stood was now a large lawn.

......one day she was mowing the lawn. It was the middle of the day................

As she busied herself in the garden, she was aware that someone was watching her.  She stopped what she was doing momentarily and saw a man standing looking right through her (as I'm telling you this I've got goosebumps all over and my eyes are watering!!!)  She watched him for a few seconds, smiled at him and greeted him cheerily but got no response.

He appeared to be very over-dressed for a summer's day - even for a farmer - which, at first, she took him to be. Then she realised that he had a very big army coat on, and had something like a bag slung over his shoulder and an army hat. She turned back to her lawn mower to stop it............aaaaaahhhhhhh......and when she turned back to speak to him..........he had disappeared.

When she made enquiries about who had lived in the old farm in the past, she discovered that the son of the house had gone away to the first world war. He should have taken over the farm......but, sadly never lived to return.

She is convinced that it was him she saw that day. She's never seen him since, but tells me she sometimes feels a presence there when she is in the garden.

I'm so terrified that if I have to go over there at night I take my million watt torch with me!!! ;D

Now, where's that double brandy?????

Thanks Benji for your wee story..

Oor Pat ..

Joost drapped in for a glass o Nortmavine Sparklin fur my 11s'. Ah'll hae tae stick up fur da lasses ahint da bar.. Dey might be a bit rough aroond da edges but dey serve a good gless o watter an da stovies is second tae none .. Mind you dat false eyelash in da reestit mutton soup wiz hard tae swalloo.. Still I fin da place lichtsome enouch despite dis creepy feelin dat dere's folk dat I canna see all aboot me....

Geordie said..

Hi.David, and zdrahstvooite dobree vyechir..kak vy oazhyvahyete David ..... Nice to see you in da magnies for da first time...you have to watch your back in here David... it can get a bit wild at times..een keep your eyes off da burds, Alky and her twin...cause, wee Willie  fancies dem...................telt me he is not fussy about who he can pick up....I think he is just looking for free boarding.........He is a tourist you know... just like you....but you seem to have your head screwed on da right way. ...Anyway whits yer poison. and I will have the same. thank you.... Ok Alky, pit it on Davids tab...always pays to be nice to people..........

george.. Meeting a Rooskie tourist..

Hello all.. I see we have got our first tourist o da season..I wonder how he found oot about da magnies rest..Must have heard o it on da internet...Hello tourist... are you up for a bit o sightseeing, or up for da burds...Eezveeneete, pazhahlsta nyet, rooskee......... O my god he is wan o dem.....ok rooskee do you speak da lingo?... Nyet. nyet. prashoo vas pamoch mnye [ can you help me ]  It depends on wat you want. if it will cost any money. your nae chance... Skolka stoeet [ how much does it cost ] ...Kak nahm papast navagzahl [ how do we get to the station ] Noo hes pulling mae leg noo...think he is a bit o a joker... Alky gie him a wee dram o vodka.. that will shut him up fer a time...and pit it oan Davids tab. cause im skint as usual........

george..
   

George:
Hello Alky. Nice to see you back from the asylum, I suppose I will have to give you a wee hand today, as you seem to be a bit tied up.. Did they forget to take da straight-jacket off, or, are you still a wee bit nutty. I see your sister Alkapop is nearly normal, apart from her talking to herself in da mirror, I heard yesterday that there is going to be big turnout in da pub next week, I think its because someone overheard that there is to be free drinks...anyway I will be off to my daughters hoose doon sooth in Paisley toon, whit dae you mean your never heard of paisley, dats where da big cotton mills were, an Tannahill da auld poet...I mind when I wis a lad we had what was known as da Paisley Fair, when da mills shut for da holidays, then just aboot every family in da toon jumped on the auld steam trains and headed for Ayr and Saltcoats, all the snobs went to Largs..  And talking about Ayr, thats when I had my first encounter wae da spirit life..It kind o makes you a wee bit scared at times, it was at night and we had rented a flat above an old blacksmiths shop..[ god I can still smell the burning o da horses hoofs when da smithy put the red hot shoe onto its hoof then nailed it on,then he would cut and trim da nail around da shoe] ,...... whit dae you mean you dont want to know aboot ghosts, ok. be like dat then, I might tell it another time as I dont want to upset you when your just oot o hospital...... Right then. I am off now, I will see you both later...........

Next day..

Hello Alky. How are you today? They new glasses your wearing fairly help to take da squint oot o your eyes, big improvement..  I was telling you that I was going down to my lasses hoose in paisley..well I canna make my mind up whether to take my car or not..the drivers doon there are sheer mental..sorry Alky, I shouldna have said dat word [ mental ]  Do you think I should take da car?... whit do you mean, you hope da ferry sinks, I thought you liked me, and here I was going to bring you and your sister a wee present, I was going to get you both a pair o pink wellies. I heard dat the pub was empty again last night, I bet it will be mobbed when I go off da island, I dont think I'm very well liked in here, ???. Probably because o da way I talk to folk..  Anyway, I think I will go out today wae da camera and see if I can spot da otters an take a picture or two. .. See you later four eyes....

next day..

Hello Alky. Hows it going the day then, have du heard dat I am going to paisley in a week or two......... whit do you mean, the sooner the better, that wasnt very nice o you......and here I was, wae my camera, going to take you and your sisters photo dis morning.........I would really like to get a picture o you both withoot your makeup on, kinda natural like........Why......Well I wis going to enter it in an ugly twins competition, I think wae faces like yours I would definately win it, what do you think...........................................WHAT are doing wae dat knife...aaarrrgggg.......I'm oot o here.......

Next day..

Hello benji..
I thought I would join you in a wee drink......aye...... you are right about the memory bit..I'm forever forgetting what I am looking for, and the joints, well thats just normal wear and tear after years o hard work... But the government seem to forget about things like that, when they want to increase the retirement age for the auld age pension... and that bit about [ only as young as you feel. ] that sounds familiar to me... I feel as fit as when I was a lad...until I start hiking ower da hills, thats when I realize that I am not as fit as a young lad..he.he.... Alky.. would you give Benji another wee brandy, and I will have a wee dram......Whit do you mean I forgot to pay for the last one... o dear.. this memory o mine.. it must be getting worse.....
   
   

George:
Some carry on in da Magnies rest last night..When I went in, Alky brought ower ma gless o watter, een sat doon wae me, den she telt me hur brass necklace wis broken, I telt hur ta take it aff an spread it oot on da bar..ah said I would be right on da job een a second,,but hur sister Alkapop [ who.s a bit deaf ] misstook da conversation an thought I ment something else.she grabbed ma gless an skelped me ower da heed wae it,, to say I wis shocked een stunned wis an understatement., a wis mair like unconsious.. somebuddie phoned da cop shop in Lerwick Toon and telt dem ta send da Black Maria, da said they didna huv wan but would send a panda,[ why they call dem that I dont know cause they dont look anything like bears ].. anyway da came an lifted Alkapop, she wis shoutin ta dem dat it wis a missunderstanding, dat she wis a bit deaf an missheard me....think she is up afore da beak next week.. so we will huv ta wait an see whit happens tae hur...

A few days later..

Hello Alky, your looking real pretty dis morning. but I think you could do with a shave and a bit o make-up on ............George.. why are you talking to the mirror..Sorry Alky. I forgot ta put my specs on..Its an age thing Alky..anyway I'm aff to court this morning, I have been called as a prosecution witness, against your crazy sister Alkapop, hope da put her in the stocks and throw away da key. err. Or should dat be, in the cell den throw away da key...

The court case..

Whit a day its been in the courtroom, da first case was an auld pensioner, nicked for stubbing oot her f*g at the market cross, she couldna walk too well, so they lifted her into the dock, poor wee thing, I think the judge was in a bit o a bad mood this morning, cause he found her guilty afore she could even plead not guilty..but she got a lenient sentence at least.. she was fined three hundred pounds and banned from smoking fur a year...serves her right... NEXT CASE...was Alkys sister Alkapop..... She wiz dressed in a tight fitting, low cut, slinky little number, well you should have seen the court ushers rushing to help her into the dock, but they were too late, the auld judge beat dem to it. I thought it was quite funny. because in the fight between the ushers and the judge his wig was knocked aff and he was quite bald.. anyway the court usher asked her to plead.. Guilty or not guilty.. afore she hud a chance ta reply the auld judge shouted.. Not guilty... Then excepted his plea.. een told her she was a free woman.. den he asked her for hur telephone number...  CASE CLOSED.....

Wonder whit will be next.. Dis virtual pub is gettin worse..

george..

   

George:
Hello benji... Your getting as bad as M ... drinking in a sunday morning..tut.tut....I like da thread you opened about being scared as a kid..... and your feart o COOS as well.. I just thought it wis just me ........ I mind years ago. I went with a good mate o mine. another fireman like me [ he died a long time ago ] .. anyway he was also scared o cows.. and I will always remember this day. When we were oot fishing for Salmon on the River Luger.. Jack and me had to get past a big herd o the beasts, scattered aboot the field..so we decided the only way was to creep through the bushes and hope they wouldnt see us.. Jack was in front o me.. and as we thought we were oot o the danger area.. Jack ran and jumped off a high bank at the riverside.. and screamed.. as he almost landed astride one o the big beasts.... the coo got such a fright it jumped into the river.....................talk about funny..we laughed all the way home in the car...  anyway I won the lottery last night so your drink is on me... thinks benji.. thats a first for george,,,,,,,,,,,,thinks george. thats the last for benji..he.he.he.

Banter..

Hello Alky you look rather fetching in your yellow wellies tonight... pity you didna change your fishnet tights. cause you have a wee ladder in them.. sorry Alky. I just cant help myself. but being an honest type o guy. I thought it would be better for me yer auld pal, to tell you, rather than some o they misfits dat come in here.. you know who I mean. nudge. nudge wink wink.. anyway could I have a pint o your best watter please.... by the way I just wish you would go back ta dat plastic-surgeon and get yer nose fixed. where its ment to be. instead o in da middle o your foreheed it just dont suit you up there. een your sister she will get a sair back efter getting these breast implants...I think he overdid it with them........... dat rooskee that wis in, I got him drunk last night...een I got a bit o interesting information oot o him..........He wis sent ower here frae Moscow he is a KGB hired by some burd , think he said her name wis TAMARA....his name wis Vlad..or wis it Igor.. he wis sent ta find oot if.. H.. hung aboot da magnies rest... een da plan wis to kiddnap him an spirit him ower tae Moscow......... cause TAMARA canna get.. H.. oot o her mind.. plus da fact he owes her a lot o money for certain favours she did for him............its amazing whit information you can get efter you ply these Rooskees way a bit o vodka, init Alky....can I get another pint please......

Orange wellies..

Hello Alkapop.. how ur you today, your looking really nice today, with your matching wellie boots on, I must say. I like the colour of them. bright orange. at least it matches your face...... I thought your sister would be in today, where is she.... whit do you mean she had a nervous breakdown.. wonder what caused that.. has some idiot been saying something to upset her... whit do mean. me. i'm her best pal. I gie hur the best o advice that money can buy........the cheek o some folk....... anyway Alkapop I think dat plastic-sureon did a great job on you wae the breast implants. you look a bit like Dolly Parton, but. I better warn you not to go oot in a windy day. some o they gusts o wind, might catch them and lift you up an hurl you ower da banks into da sea........ tell Alky I wis asking for her.... on second thoughts, maybe you better not.. If you mention my name she might do something silly........

george..
   

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